🔗 Share this article

Identity: Conkers.

History: Brought into the UK over four centuries back.

Look: Nature's collectible doll.

No, I don’t think that’s right. It is. Go and watch a TikTok video of someone unboxing a conker, and you’ll almost certainly hear them call it “nature's Labubu”.

Unboxing conkers? What on Earth are you talking about? Oh wow, you are definitely out of the loop, aren’t you? Young people are taking to TikTok to record videos removing conkers from their prickly shells.

But why? Because of the sense of wonder! When you unbox a conker, you never know what you’re going to get. Will it be big? Might it be flattened? How shiny will it be? It is similar to a surprise package every time!

Do Labubu dolls share those traits? No, they’re somewhat eerie dolls that have become collectible because they are sold in mystery boxes.

Would someone inform the younger crowd that they’re doing conkers wrong? Are they? How do you do conkers, then?

Thread a lace through the center, and try to destroy everyone else’s conkers. Wow, really? That’s unusual.

Yes. You’ll have a much better chance of winning if you leave it in vinegar and then bake it like a pie. You're not joking?

Truly. And should you gather an excess, you can hurl them across the playground and all the other kids will compete to grab them. A beautiful, natural thing like a conker, and you use it as a weapon? A weapon that comes with a long set of complex and confusing guidelines?

That's the custom! King Charles literally just presented the global conker competition with three hundred horse chestnuts! At least young people are just recording videos.

How are you unaware of this? Probably, because certain schools prohibited the game twenty years back, due to various health and safety fears.

The modern world never fails to amaze me. Maybe revealing horse chestnuts just isn’t your thing. In which case, perhaps you would be better suited to some other popular youth fads.

Is that so? Like what? Well, there’s this thing called knitting, and something else called clay crafting that I can describe for you.

We’ve had knitting and pottery for centuries! Let me guess, you heat tools in apple drink and then use them to poke each other?

No! OK, calm down. I assumed that all old-people traditions involved violence in some form, after that conker thing.

I feel stressed. Relax for a moment. If you need me, I’ll be opening plant seeds online.

Do say: “TikTok can’t stop filming conker reveals.”

Don’t say: “This is nuts.”